The California sunshine and the sound of the waves should have been the perfect backdrop for a relaxed business trip. Yet, as the conversation turned to a friend-of-a-friend lost to suicide, a familiar wave of nausea washed over me, even amidst the ice cream and laughter. When a coworker confessed his inability to grasp why anyone would choose to end their life, the words tumbled out of me, a truth I had long kept hidden. “I do,” I admitted, the weight of unspoken experience heavy in the air. “I completely get that. I’ve been there.”
Silence descended, broken only by stunned gasps. The question hung heavy: what is it truly like to want to die? I spoke of the physical agony, the crushing exhaustion, the sense of being trapped – a feeling akin to being in a scene where Rose simply won’t give Chris the keys, and there seems to be no way out. I described the relentless internal struggle, the feeling of a disease consuming me, the desperate wish for it all to end.
Recent weeks have been shadowed by the tragic news of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, lives extinguished too soon. Closer to home, the suicide attempts of friends’ children have sent shockwaves through our communities. Our hearts ache for those enveloped in such profound pain.
The memory of my colleagues’ faces, etched with dawning understanding, remains vivid. They had glimpsed, perhaps for the first time, the reality of suicidal ideation. It highlighted a stark truth: even within the church, understanding of depression and suicide remains woefully inadequate.
We are called to be beacons of light, havens for the broken and weary. But how can we guide others through darkness we ourselves fail to comprehend? To truly serve as Christ’s hands and feet, we, as Christians, must confront the realities of suicide and depression. Here are crucial truths every Christian needs to know:
Depression is More Than “Just in Your Head”
The term “mental illness” can be misleading, suggesting the struggle is solely confined to our thoughts. This couldn’t be further from the truth. As WebMD details, severe depression manifests in a range of physical symptoms. Chronic pain intensifies, new aches emerge. Chest pain, migraines, digestive issues, and a compromised immune system are just a few of the physical burdens.
A pervasive, bone-deep weariness becomes a constant companion, an unshakeable shadow impervious to sleep or caffeine. When individuals express their inability to leave bed due to depression, they are describing this very physical reality.
Back on that California beach, I tried to articulate the physicality of my depression to my coworkers. Every fiber of my being seemed to resist gravity, yearning to collapse into nothingness. My skin felt raw, my throat constricted by a persistent lump. At my lowest point, I became alarmingly underweight, unable to force down even the simplest nourishment.
A woman looking distressed, hand on forehead, with a blurry background
Suicide: Not a Selfish Act, But a Cry for Relief
The misconception that suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness is deeply damaging. For many grappling with the abyss of depression, death feels like the most selfless choice imaginable. Depression often breeds a toxic, overwhelming self-loathing. In my darkest moments, I was convinced I was a burden, a source of negativity for those around me. Ending my life felt like a merciful release for everyone I cared about.
This sentiment is tragically common. As one mother recounted, she believed her husband would find a better wife and mother for their child, someone unburdened by her illness. My friend, Pastor Steve Austin, a man dedicated to serving God, nearly succumbed to suicide, convinced his death would be a blessing for his wife and young son. Thankfully, he survived and found the support he desperately needed outside the judgmental walls of the church.
Depression Isn’t Always Sadness – It Can Be Numbness
Depression transcends mere sadness, as this insightful article elucidates. It’s a far more complex tapestry of emotions: emptiness, emotional flatness, irritability, a chilling numbness. Many seeking help for depression initially report only physical symptoms because the profound lack of feeling masks the deeper emotional turmoil.
For me, depression often begins with a disorienting brain fog. The world seems to slow to a crawl, yet I struggle to keep pace. An overwhelming desire for sleep consumes me – not just from exhaustion, but as an escape, a temporary reprieve from the agonizing reality.
Faith Alone Isn’t Always the Answer: Prayer and Medical Help Can Coexist
In 2013, a Lifeway Research study revealed that nearly half of evangelicals believe prayer and Bible study alone can conquer serious mental illness. This well-intentioned but misguided belief often prevents individuals from seeking the crucial professional help they require.
I know this struggle intimately. Countless prayers, repeated verses, and unwavering faith did not magically erase my illness. Miraculous healing, in that instant form, remained elusive.
A man sitting with a bible looking sad and contemplative
Undoubtedly, God possesses the power to heal instantaneously. And sometimes, milder forms of depression may naturally remit, similar to cancer remission, inadvertently reinforcing the dangerous notion that seeking medical intervention equates to a lack of faith. Christians must understand that prayer and scripture are vital components of holistic self-care.
However, they are not always sufficient. It was only when I began taking medication and engaging in weekly therapy with a licensed professional (recognizing that pastoral counseling lacks the specialized training needed for severe depression and suicidal ideation) that the oppressive darkness began to lift and the constant ache in my chest subsided.
I am profoundly grateful that God chooses to work through both medical science and skilled professionals, just as I would be if healing arrived through a miraculous, instantaneous intervention. He remains the ultimate source of healing, glorified through diverse pathways, including the dedicated work of healthcare providers.
Deep Faith Doesn’t Immunize Against Depression
The insidious lie that unwavering faith shields individuals from suicidal thoughts or mental health struggles is not only false but deeply harmful. It mistakenly frames these struggles as a sign of spiritual failing.
If we believe depression and dark thoughts are sinful, shame and fear become our constant companions, fostering the expectation of God’s stern judgment. But the truth is, God is inherently good and gracious, not waiting to punish us for our pain.
Depression and suicidal ideation are indiscriminate; they do not respect piety or spiritual devotion. I suspect countless devoted believers and faithful leaders wish it were otherwise. I certainly did.
Even while deeply engaged in ministry – serving, preaching, leading worship, embarking on mission trips, guiding Bible studies – the desire to die persisted. The pain remained, the hopelessness unwavering.
Consider Steve, the youth pastor I mentioned earlier. His attempt to end his life occurred while actively serving in ministry. He was well-versed in scripture, proficient in prayer, and acutely aware of all the “right” spiritual responses. Yet, these only amplified his shame, the stigma of being a pastor battling such profound inner turmoil proving unbearable.
Depression and suicide rates are alarmingly on the rise across the nation. We must abandon the assumption that those we admire and love are somehow immune to the darkness.
“Choosing Joy” Isn’t a Simple Solution When Trapped in Despair
Well-meaning Christians often advise those struggling to “choose joy” or shift their focus outward. While cultivating joy and caring for others are undoubtedly vital aspects of a healthy life, these platitudes fall tragically short when death feels like the only escape from an internal torture chamber. Worse, they can become masks, ways to conceal profound pain. I could, and did, actively participate in various ministries, even flashing a smile, while inwardly yearning for oblivion.
Offering simple empathy – “I’m so sorry you’re hurting” – and simply being present with those who are suffering is infinitely more impactful than dispensing well-intentioned but ultimately dismissive advice. Creating space for honest expression can be life-saving.
Suicidal Thoughts are Intrusive, Unwanted Guests
Suicidal thoughts are not choices; they are intrusions. They appear unbidden, like a horrific film looping endlessly in our minds. We are forced to witness our own demise, repeatedly. Sometimes terrifying, sometimes, perversely, offering a sense of solace, a promise of release.
Years ago, I was part of a vibrant church in Atlanta. I co-led a non-profit, served in youth ministry, a figure of guidance for students who sought my counsel. None of them knew the depth of my internal struggle. They were oblivious to the horror film playing relentlessly in my mind.
One particularly difficult Sunday, I stood alongside my students in worship, desperately trying to fix my gaze on Jesus. I affirmed my love for Him, my commitment to praise, even amidst the persistent darkness. But as I closed my eyes, the only image that materialized was my own body, hanging lifeless from the rafters.
I confided in no one.
Silence Born of Shame: The Fear of Disclosure
A man looking downwards, with a shadow cast over his face, suggesting sadness
We are acutely aware that suicidal thoughts are not healthy, not normal. We recognize the discomfort and fear they evoke in others. So, we fight to suppress them, berating ourselves for harboring such “hideous” thoughts. With therapeutic support, we might learn to identify these thoughts as symptoms of an illness, distortions of reality, lies whispered by the darkness.
But sometimes, even that recognition eludes us.
The Deceptive Lie: God’s Abandonment in Darkness
The illness itself is a liar. When healing seems absent, it becomes tragically easy to believe that God has abandoned us. And if we have internalized the harmful teaching that depression and suicidal thoughts are sinful, selfish, displeasing to God, we may interpret our suffering as deserved abandonment.
This is why extending the same compassion we readily offer those facing other serious health challenges is paramount. Kindness and unwavering support from fellow believers are profoundly powerful. They are tangible demonstrations of God’s presence, unwavering love, and refusal to abandon us in our darkest hour.
Loving Jesus and Battling Depression: A Truth to Embrace
If you are struggling, please know this: your life remains purposeful, valuable in God’s eyes, and capable of blessing others. You may continue to struggle. Moments may arise when the desire to die feels overwhelming. But you are no less beloved, worthy, or faithful because of these dark thoughts. And, though it may feel impossible to believe, a full, joyful life remains within reach, even amidst the ongoing battle with depression.
The path forward demands commitment and robust support from trained professionals. Therapy, confronting painful truths, and potentially medication will likely be necessary components. But abundant life is still attainable; my own journey is a testament to this truth.
I rely on daily medication, prioritize time with Jesus each morning, and maintain consistent therapy. I communicate openly with my loved ones about difficult days and dark thoughts because I am resolute in denying them victory. Years into this journey, the struggle persists, but my life is beautiful, and I am genuinely happy.
You can be too. Please, invest in your well-being. Prioritize self-care. Here are crucial first steps:
- Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text with someone at the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741. Program these numbers into your phone – a 24/7 lifeline of support.
- Schedule an appointment with your doctor. If financial constraints are a barrier, explore free or reduced-cost clinics in your area that offer mental health services.
- Find someone you trust to talk to. You are not a burden. You are precious, important, and the world is enriched by your presence.
Saving a Life: Simpler Than You Think
Earlier, I spoke of believing my death would be a relief to others. Yet, I am alive today because one friend noticed, cared, and acted.
Angela invited me to dinner, included me in family outings, constantly affirmed my importance to her and her family. She voiced her love, reassured me that my brokenness was not my fault, and affirmed God’s sorrow at my pain. She simply was present in my suffering.
One sweltering July night, exhausted from the relentless fight to stay alive, I found myself on her doorstep, drawn by the promise of safety. And her family walked with me through the darkness.
When I desperately needed Immanuel, God With Us, she embodied Him in my life. She helped me believe in my own lovability, in the inherent worth of my life.
Often, saving a life requires nothing more than being Jesus to someone – presence, love, light. Christ dwells “in you, the hope of glory” (Col. 1:27). You don’t need all the answers, you don’t need to fix anything. Simply be present, offer to help schedule a doctor’s appointment, or just listen with an open heart. Cultivate awareness of those who are hurting. Be kind.
Those grappling with depression and suicidal thoughts need you to step into their darkness and sit with them, your love unwavering. You can be Christ’s arms to embrace them, His hands to sustain them, His voice to reassure them they are not alone. Your love and kindness possess immeasurable power.
My heart aches for anyone facing the immense challenges of depression and suicidal thoughts.
If you need to talk, or know someone who is struggling, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text with the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.
